On Shame
One of my old blog posts migrated here to my new website: updated and shamefully copy edited..
Since the beginning of the culture of prudishness, it has been shameful to have sex out of wedlock, or even to admit to enjoying sex. Thankfully that is now coming to an end, and unattached flings are now mostly socially acceptable, but it's still shameful to pay someone for sex. Seeing a sex worker is just like hiring a contractor to build your retaining wall instead of your handy neighbour, Dave. You're more likely to have a great retaining wall at the end of it if you hire a professional. You still might not — they could be a shady contractor, and Dave might be really good at yard work and masonry, but the odds are more in your favour if you pay the person who makes a living out of it. So why, then, is it shameful to hire a professional when it comes to a sexual experience?
You should be able to find someone yourself
This assumption is unkind. Maybe the person choosing to pay sex workers can find sex all on their own — the majority of people can - but certain emotional obligations fall by the wayside when you employ a sex worker, not to mention it's a guaranteed lay without many hoops to jump through. It's not sad if you really don't want to have to do all the work to get someone to sleep with you and then leave in the morning without expecting a return call. Or, if you're a woman, sleep with someone and have a reasonable guarantee that they aren't a predator, and that they aren't expected to go through with any sex acts at all if they don't feel they can. Maybe you're not actively trying to find sex because you simply don't have the time or the emotional energy — people should not feel ashamed about that, it's honestly such a huge problem in the workaholic culture we've managed to land ourselves in. Not having the time for it does not erase the urge for it, and physical intimacy with another human is something we actually need for a healthy existence.
And so what if you're too awkward to get sex on your own? Sex workers are also a great resource for you to learn! Having interactions with us calms your nerves about trying it out on people you aren't paying, which means that you can now go out and chat up people with a touch more confidence. Some people are just awkward, there's really nothing strange about that.
Toxic masculinity
Here I go with the feminist buzzwords! Perhaps you should look past the words to understand the meaning a little more deeply. Toxic masculinity is the aspects of being a man, specifically behavioural, that actively harm men in general — these cause men to have higher suicide rates, higher rates of untreated mental illness, and higher rates of dangerous behaviour — and that actively harm women. The relevance here is that maintaining the appearance of masculinity to your friends often involves bragging, and sometimes that bragging is more than a slight exaggeration of the truth. So everyone is being presented with a reality that isn't always true, and then comparing their own life to it.
If all of your friends are saying they have perfectly functional relationships apart from the usual gripes, or they have incredible sex with lots of hot women every weekend etc, and you can't even get more than two matches on Tinder… you’ll feel pretty useless and unwanted. You can't brag about seeing a sex worker, because your friends might think it's pathetic that you can't get women to like you, since you're supposed to be a massive stud at all times. That's why some feel ashamed to see us.
This is also something that causes men in particular to feel bad about booking people for strictly platonic dates, or dates that have few expectations of actual sex — if it happens, it happens. If you feel pathetic having to pay for sex, it's understandable that you might feel worse about having to pay for companionship. Have you noticed that women tend to get a lot of intimacy from each other? If I feel sad about something, I can go to my friend's house, in my pyjamas, with my dogs and a bucket of ice cream and be met with open arms to sleep in their bed and watch trash TV with them. We hug, we snuggle, and all of that releases lots of those same feel good hormones that you get from physical intimacy with your romantic partner, without the need for or expectation of sex. Most men do not ever do this with their friends, and therefore that means that outside of a romantic partner and their parents, men are getting zero physical intimacy. Intimacy is something humans actually need, this has been proven in multiple studies (and here is one). If you have no partner and you live out of the family home, where are you getting your emotional needs satisfied? This is why professional cuddlers like Grace exist — she does great work, and her service is an interesting one that really helps people.
It’s something I’ve observed that many of my male clients will not have regular therapists, but once they’re naked and vulnerable, they will open up to me. To me, that’s a sign that they’re lacking emotional and physical intimacy elsewhere in their lives, and feel comfortable sharing such raw parts of themselves with someone who makes them feel cared for. It’s also a sign that for many men, sexual intimacy is always linked to physical and emotional intimacy which is why it’s difficult for them to gain that kind of closeness with their male friends. Masculine stereotypes say that men don’t have these kinds of feelings, and that seeing a therapist is for the weak, but the truth is that they do and they should lean into the feelings and have people they can share them with.
This requires a certain amount of cultural change to overcome. Once men start to grasp that they don't have to be the perfect masculine man, that men can cry, can need physical and emotional intimacy, that they can be hurt, and that they can have difficulties in their personal lives, then I think it will be easier for people to admit to seeing sex workers. You're not pathetic for not getting 200 Tinder matches in your first week! If you're interested on reading more about toxic masculinity, Terry Crews is a big supporter for ending the stigma around men having feelings — he's also one of my favourite people in the world, because he's generally amazing. The male relationships in the Lord of the Rings show men being vulnerable and gentle with one another, and we need more of that.
Society doesn’t approve of sex workers
Would you recommend to your friends (the ones who don't know you see escorts) that they book a sex worker? Assuming you're not married, would you tell others that you see us on the regular? Probably not. Society's view that sex workers are ‘dirty whores’ is still very much alive. We understand why you're not going to shout from the rooftops about the benefits of booking one of us, at least not without the benefit of anonymity. We know that you face a little of the same stigma that we face; enough to make you think twice about being publicly supportive, and enough for you to feel ashamed for seeing us.
Society isn't too fond of the people who buy sex, either — the prevailing view is that they’re either people to be pitied or monstrous men who abuse and assault women at every opportunity. It’s a horrible stereotype and patently untrue; the reason why sex workers are at higher risk for violence has nothing to do with clients all being awful, but the fact that those who are abusers choose to target those who are least likely to report, speak up, or fight back. When you criminalise and demonise the sex industry, sex workers are less able to fight against abuse and more likely to be victims of it. This is why we fight for decriminalisation. This stigma is in your power to influence as well; speak up when people make fun of the choice to book sex workers, or make jokes in poor taste about sex workers. Say something on threads advocating for poor legal models! Make an account not connected with your name to talk about these things for your privacy, but don’t stop talking about it.
We know that sometimes you don’t feel the best about seeing us, and it’s awful. We do our best to make meetings as fun, discreet, and positive as possible, so that you get what you need and can forget about society/your job/your problems for a while. But please know that you're not pathetic, unworthy of affection, or too ugly to date — it's a valid choice to see sex workers, and that is not a smear upon your character at all, no matter how much society wants you to feel that way.
We're still here for you, no matter what laws they pass or what judgements are thrown our way. Acknowledge those feelings of shame and let them pass. Just enjoy our time together.
